The Faintest Taste of Cake on the Wind
by AdmiralBobbery
Summary: An explanation behind the outrageous amount of cake Princess Peach consumes, bakes, and gifts. MERRY CHRISTMAS NICOLE - SECRET SANTA 2014!


**The Faintest Taste of Cake on the Wind**

_The Explanation behind the Outrageous Amount of Cake Princess Peach Consumes_

It was a cold and blustery summer morning. Snow had just fallen from the wispy tears of the moonlight. None of this weather patterning makes sense. Please, I am writing a story, I am not a weatherman. Forgive me for this.

It had been precisely one hour since Mario had left Princess Peach's Castle. After rescuing the ditzy princess from the clutches of the local barber, for it seems everyone makes a grab to abduct this poorly protected monarch, Mario left the castle stuffed with cake. Yes…cake. It always seems, moments after being rescued…Peach somehow whips up a fine frosted cake for her knight in stained overalls. How is this possible? Ohoho, my friend. The answer is simple…yes very simple…let us travel back in time, to a Christmas in the past. There…we shall find our answer.

**WAFFLE KINGDOM – SOME YEAR WHEN PEACH WAS A CHILD**

"Éclair! Éclair!" Peach cried, not addressing a well-known princess, but actually pointing to a pastry in a window.

"Now, now, Peach," Someone who could only be her mother scolded her, "We are humans, and we are very uncommon here in the Kingdoms. I shan't dabble in explaining your history, since that would obviously solved the mysteries of this universe, but instead I will tell you that we do not eat éclairs, we do not ever look upon them. They are French, and I my dear, absolutely despise the French!"

"Now now!" A young version of Toadsworth cried. "Do not inject the princess with such prejudice!"

"Dearest me," her mother scoffed. "It seems as if the steward's caught me being a racist again…I'll just lower that paycheck of his! Toads don't need much money anyway, all they wear is diapers!"

Peach held her mother's hand, walking down the street. Wreaths and tinsel lined the walk, the Waffle Kingdom had been busy preparing itself for Christmas. Before the holiday, Peach and her royal parents were on vacation in the Waffle Kingdom. It was nice.

Her father rejoined them, swinging a purchase on his arm from a local boutique. He had just purchased Peach a new dress for Christmas, but he wouldn't dare say it.

"Let's go the Opera House!" Peach's mother declared all of a sudden. "They're singing The Phantom of the Oprah tonight!"

"Oh, you mean that play at Oprah Toadfrey, and how she's going to bless the heavens twice over when she dies?" Peach's father asked.

"Precisely!" Her mother cried in jubilation. "Toadsworth, stay back now! I don't want your smell to catch my nostrils!"

"E-excuse me?" Toadsworth asked.

"Ah, my darling, let us go down this dark and totally not suspicious alley! It's a shortcut to the Opera House!" Her father beamed.

"What a splendid idea!" Her mother replied, nearly dragging Peach along. They made it some way down the alley when a masked marauder swooped up in front of them, waving a gun.

"Thomas and Martha Wayne! Your days of embezzling money from Gotham are over!" The man shouted, gatting the royal family. Peach screamed as her parents guts and blood went flying, the close-range shot eviscerating them completely. They toppled into puddles of their own blood.

"Well shoot!" The murderer cried. "These weren't the Waynes! How careless of me!"

With a hop, skip, and a jump, he disappeared.

"What's all the clatter!?" Toadsworth screamed, running up to Peach…only to see her dead parents.

"What a wonderful turn of events!" Toadsworth hollered, but then he clamped his hand over his mouth. Peach was sobbing, her face tearing her mother's breast asunder. Buried in the woman's chiffon dress, Peach could not be consoled.

"Toadsworth…" Peach said, "Never forgot this. That man…I saw nothing of him…but I tasted him."

"Excuse me!?" Toadsworth screamed. "You're only ten!"

"I tasted his scent," she said, relieving the man. "It was the faintest taste of cake on the wind…"

**MUSHROOM KINGDOM – PRESENT DAY**

Peach sat in her private library, finishing a book about French injustice. Setting the book down, she looked wistfully out the window. The door to the library opened, Toadsworth waddling in, a piece of white cake on a small plate.

"It's almost time," Peach said, looking down at the timepiece in her lap.

"It's been twenty-five years," Toadsworth murmured. "Yet…you still regard that night as if it had just happened. Look at all you've done for this kingdom…your parents would truly be proud."

As the minute hand of the clock approached the exact moment, twenty-five years ago when Princess Peach's parents had been brutally murder by a marauder that smelled of cake, Peach looked up to the heavens, thinking only of…

"IT'S CAKE TIME!" Peach screamed. Her words rang true. For every hour, on the hour, Peach consumed a piece of cake. She knocked the plate out of Toadsworth's hands, slurping up the frosted treat. The steward shivered in horror at the sight before him.

Yes…dear reader, there is no explanation for why Princess Peach likes cake so much. Nor does anyone know how she is able to consume so much and retain her figure, or how she prepares cakes mere moments after being saved to reward her mustachioed hero with. This is an enigma that will forever fly throughout time and space…unanswered…unmoving…always there…always omnipotent. We will never know…no…we will never know…

**I did a silly thing :P I wanted to do something different, and Nico likes Peach. I hope she likes this, because it makes no sense and I wanted to show her a humorous side I have since she always reads dour fics from me. So MERRY CHRISTMAS NICOLE :3**


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